Week Eleven

Event:  Hang out at a local bookstore

People say the best place to meet someone is either at the gym, the grocery store, the dog park or the bar.  I'm not sure who those places are working for because they aren't working for me!  So, I decided to think outside the box tonight to see if Barnes & Noble is a singles hangout.  The short answer is, no.

Making my way down the 'Fiction and Literature' aisle (pretending to be interested in the titles I was reading) I noticed a cute guy crouched down looking at books at the end of the aisle.  Wishing I was wearing my semi-fake reading glasses (for looks of course), I walked towards him.  As I got closer, he got cuter but I noticed he was doing something with his right arm.  Puzzled, I walked slowly behind him and realized he was rocking a damn car seat with a newborn in it.  Fooled again!

That's when I decided to head over to the 'Relationship' aisle where I immediately discovered three helpful books:  "Dating for Dummies", "The Surrendered Single" and "Chicken Soup for the Single Soul".  I picked up the first two and spent a half hour skimming them.  The "Surrendered Soul" had a quiz in it called "Are you attracting the man who's right for you?" so I took it.  It asked 20 questions about dating and based on your score, you know if you're attracting the right kind of guys.  The three scoring categories were defined as 'It won't be long' (66 points or more), 'Are you comfortable on that fence?' (41-65 points) or 'You're standing in your own way' (40 points or less).  I scored a 38.  Neat.

Well, that book is stupid.  So I turned to "Dating for Dummies".  I skimmed the chapter entitled, "Polishing your social self" and there was a section about the importance of hair, make-up, appearance and physical fitness.  Attention: This may be my turning point.  Hair - As I see myself in the reflection of the window, I realize I look like Medusa with snakes as hair because after I showered, I threw my wet hair back into a bun, then let it down and headed out.  It's a cross between a crimp, a curl and a bad wave.  I'm a hot mess.  Make-up - I neglected to put on eye liner so I look tired and with my hair the way it is, I resemble something similar to a police mug shot.  Appearance - I'm wearing a fake velour jogging suit and it's clear I wore the wrong underwear because I have an underwear line half way over each butt cheek which means my underwear is too tight (and too small) for my big ass.  As I stand up, I'm reminded of just how tight this pair really is.  In fact, I think it may be cutting off the circulation to my butt.  Oh well, maybe part of it will fall off.  I digress.  Physical Fitness - If I worked out I wouldn't have the underwear/butt problem.

Clearly, these self-help relationship books really helped.  I'm going to go to a new stylist, get a make-up make-over, go on a shopping spree and join a gym.  As I'm having this epiphany, an old woman walked by looking for her lost glove.  As she passed me by, I noticed she was wearing a blouse that didn't quite match her pants and her stark white high-top sneakers squeaked when she walked.  Her hair was a bit out of place but that clearly didn't matter to the cute old man she was with.  The moral of this story is, maybe, just maybe there's someone out there who will take me just the way I am.  In the meantime, if you start hearing me talk about my nineteen cats, please contact the local authorities.