Sunday, March 14, 2010

Week Ten

Event:  Party Crashers

Saturday my BFF and her husband threw a St. Patrick's Day party.  It was an all ages affair and I'm pretty sure the adults were outnumbered by munchkin-sized little ones.  The gathering began at noon, and before I knew it, I had kids on each ankle and one poking me in the butt with a toy stethoscope.  That's when I cracked my first beer.  A hot dog, plate full of cheetos and a shamrock-shaped cookie later (hey, it's what the kids were eating, when in Rome...), we headed down to the neighborhood parade where we saw everything from men in kilts to a cheerleading squad made up of drag queens.  I looked at the kids who were looking at their parents thinking, "Mommy, why does that cheerleader have an adam's apple?"  Good question kiddo.  We have no idea.

Green beer in tow, we headed back to the house for more fun and good times.  About 7 hours later, the adults decided we needed a change in scenery.  Conveniently, at the other end of the block was another party and we felt it was our neighborly obligation to go down and say hello.  As we approached the house, we couldn't believe what we were seeing.  These guys had a tent in their front yard with a heater that would've kept a Super Target warm, and three kegs.  Within a few minutes we were making new friends, drinking their beer, sitting comfortably in their heated tent.  At one point the host of the party came in and met us one by one.  When he got to me, he said, "Are you single?"  I mean, do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "DESPARATE and SINGLE!  Please help"???  For real!  So I respond by saying I am single and that's when my friend jumps in and asks, "Are there any single guys here?"  He responds by saying there were a few, inside.  I immediately jumped out of my chair (playing it cool as always, geez) and for some un-Godly reason I asked him if there was any single guy in particular he would recommend.  (Side note:  Why the hell am I asking a total stranger which single guy he would prefer for me?  Would someone please put me out of my misery?)

He says, "Yeah, go for the one with the beard."  So my friend and I high-tail it towards the house and as we're passing through the garage we encounter a cute guy...with a beard.  Assuming (and secretly hoping) this was the infamous bearded single man, we walk up and introduce ourselves.  My strategy was:  Play it cool, slyly check for a ring and...about that time I hear my friend say, "Hi are you single?  Because this is my friend and she's single too." In a way I was glad she got it all out on the table, especially when he responded that he was also single.  Score!  I then jump in and say, "Oh good, because Jon told us of all the single guys here, you were the best."  (Again, why am I talking?  Will someone take me home?  Put a fork in me, I'm done here).  Thinking I had just paid him the compliment of a lifetime, he turned and introduced us to his friend.  Ooops.  He was one of the other single guys.  Foot, meet mouth.

Hoping that most of my Candid Camera moments were behind me, bearded man and I ended up talking for the better part of an hour.  Now, it goes without saying I'm picky and I have a high bar when it comes to guys.  So when I learned he was unemployed, hadn't completed his college degree, was 7 years older than me, had a Skoal can imprint on his jacket pocket and his Harley Davidson wallet was chained to his pocket, I was not thinking 'future baby daddy'.  But, this is a new year and I'm keeping an open mind.  We talked about jobs, where we were from and at one point I asked him if he had any tattoos.  He does not and when he asked me if I had any, I said, "Oh, no I don't.  I'm pretty vanilla like that."  Again, what in the hell is going on here?  What alien took over my thought process?  Do I have no filter?  Really?  I'm 'vanilla like that'?  Who says that?  Seriously someone needs to walk me home. 

Mortified and wanting to change the subject immediately, something on his hand caught my eye.  I couldn't tell at first, so I said, "Tell me about this."  And as I got a closer look my reaction had to have been something like, "Ooooh....uh....that's....uh....nice..."  It was a sterling silver ring of a skeleton face!  It resembled Skeletor from Masters of the Universe!  All I could think was if he hit someone they'd have an imprint of a skeleton on their cheek.  Is that normal?  Hmmmm.  I'm really gonna have to work hard at this 'open mind' thing. 

As it turns out, he was a really sweet guy and ended up asking for my number.  Given my track record so far this year (as a reminder, I've given out my number 4 times and no one has called) I thought it can't hurt.  If anything, a date with the Vanilla Queen and Skeletor could end up being one for the record books.


  1. oh goddamn. this was a good one.

  2. that is funny.