Sunday, June 20, 2010

Week Twenty-Four

Event:  Attended continuing education class for singles

A few weeks ago (Week Seventeen) I signed up for three continuing ed classes at the local community college.  This week I took the class entitled "What's happening around town for singles".  Deep down I hoped that this class would be filled with single firefighters, but my gut told me to prepare for a room full of lonely women doing the exact same thing I was:  Grasping at straws to find some way to meet Mr. Right.  Unfortunately, my gut was right.  As I walked up to the church (yes, the class was held in a church - should've been my first sign) I took a deep breath, put on my lip gloss and forged ahead.  Walking down the hallway towards the classroom, my heels kept me from making a quiet and discrete entrance, so instead I got the entire class's attention as I arrived.  Grabbing the closest chair to the door, I surveyed the room - all women and 1 guy.  Lucky for me, the 1 guy was sitting in the chair next to mine.

The instructor came in wearing Lee Jeans and a plaid shirt neatly tucked in that complimented his stark white tennis shoes.  His white hair and wedding ring gave me pause.  THIS GUY is going to tell me what's happening around town for singles?  Houston, we have a problem.  To add insult to injury he introduced himself and told us he was a minister - at that moment I played out multiple scenarios in my head, one of them being me jumping up on the table stomping my feet like a 3 year old screaming "I want my money back!"  Instead, I played along. 

The first thing we did was take a quiz.  Did you know:
-45% of Americans above the age of 21 are single?  (Where the hell are they)
-More people become single every day (divorce rate is rising - sorry, but where the hell are they)
-Married people are healthier than single people (Neat)
-Becoming single is the most traumatic/stressful event in one's life (either caused by divorce, death of a spouse, separation or jail).

In a nutshell, according to the married minister, being single is the worst possible thing in the entire world.  And I paid money for this?

For the next two hours, the instructor, walked us through a 32 page booklet entitled "Guide to Singles Groups Around Town" where I learned about groups like "Parents without Partners", "Kosmopolitans" (45 and up only...darn) and "Talking Singles" where the purpose is: "Socializing, Friendship, a featured Speaker every night and activities that include games, dining out, concerts, day trips, dances and potlucks." 

OH. MY. GOD.  Kill me now.

We walked through the next 20 pages of the book one by one, learning about every church singles group in town.  For each singles group listed, they would highlight the age group, purpose of the group, location, address and total membership.  For example, Lord of Life Lutheran Church, ages 30-50, has bible studies, dinners and volunteer activities, membership:  8.  Seriously?  Eight members in your singles group?  Stop the presses, I know what I'm doing Saturday night.  And not once but twice we turned the page to a church group and the instructor said, "Sorry, cross that one out, the singles leader died."  WTF?  Are you serious?  I was in the damn twilight zone. 

And if this train wreck wasn't bad enough, Preacher Paul started handing out flyers featuring other things to do for singles.  Like joining a Square Dancing Group called "Kountry Knights and Ladies".  Or taking a trip for "9 Exciting and Educational days in London" - for married's or singles.  I about laughed out loud (or cried) when I read the back page of the pamphlet.  It read, "Prices are based on double occupancy.  If you request a single room, there will be an additional charge of $425."  AND THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMING!

And finally, the last flyer he gave us put the nail in the coffin for me.  Across the top in big bold letters it read, "Singles Dance Event at the Marriot - June 2010 - Ladies 1/2 price".  But underneath this big, screaming headline all about singles it read, "Married couples welcome".  Oh come on!

The next morning as I was checking my email, I saw I had an email from the instructor.  Would you believe the one guy in the class emailed him and asked him to give me his number!  So the Minister is playing match maker giving me the phone number of the one guy in the class!  Too bad he wasn't my type, but seriously, what are the chances. 

Lip gloss - $16
New skirt - $38
Singles class - $13
Having a Minister play match maker - priceless

1 comment:

  1. How can this not have any comments? Holy crap what a nightmare! You should have asked him if it was okay to join the group with only 8 members since 9 members would be kinda awkward, what with the whole 9th wheel thing and all.